Obligatory Holiday Post

I can finally breath again now that Christmas has passed. Yes, I'm a Scrooge. I'm not proud of it but Scroogeosis sets in each December and I can never shake it. Here's why.

I cringe when someone asks me what I want for Christmas. For the last ten years, I've had no idea what I wanted for Christmas. That is, until December 26, when I can make a list 100 items long of things I could have used. Oh well.

Then there's the presents I have to buy for others. Apparently, gift cards are too easy and not thoughtful enough. Not thoughtful is a pretty solid summary of me so gift cards are usually the first idea I have for others. Every once in a while, a bolt of creativity will strike with the perfect gift idea. But I usually don't write it down and forget about it the next day. Next thing you know it's December 24. Too late for online shopping. I'm shit out of luck. And what's with the wrapping? Why can't I wrap a gift without googling "how to wrap a gift?" It never ends.

Ever notice how the holidays cause adults to act like children? Seriously. Check the tape from Black Friday. I'd rather pay top dollar somewhere then deal with those cheapos stampeding for whatever the hell it is they want at WalMart. Here's a stipulation for next year: anyone who wants to shop on Black Friday will have to take a shovel hit to the head upon entering a store. I think that's only fair.

Crying children, ugly sweaters, no parking spots at the mall, an annual visit to Church to see how Jesus is celebrating his birthday. The list goes on and on. The Holidays are a nuisance. Good thing we have alcohol.

Let's Get Back To Basics, Use Email

I can't take it anymore. I read this story today about another social networking site start-up and my mind exploded.

This latest site, Path, will target people who want a more controlled network of friends. It caps your number of "friends" at 50 so that you can share info and photos with only those who you want to see it.

I realize that Facebook spin-offs are inevitable and that everyone wants to be the next Mark Zuckerberg but do people really need to join another network so that they can share their useless thoughts, sort of like what I'm doing right now?

Here's an idea. Why not just email your closest friends that picture of you throwing up on the bartender? Sure, any true friend would forward that embarrassing pic to the world but at least you didn't willingly put it up there on some fancy web site and then act like you're the victim when your boss fires you because of it.

Seriously, Jesus Christ created email. His greatest miracle was connecting the world with Hotmail. Take it easy on the social networking if you don't want everyone following your personal life. Or, just read a book, stupid.

End of rant. Back to the Twitter.

Wish I Didn't Have To Write This

As I watched the Phillies 2010 season come to an end last night, I couldn't help but think of Opening Day and how it felt like much longer than six months ago. You might remember that a certain quarterback was traded the night before. And you of course remember that Doc Halladay kicked off another memorable season for the Phillies that afternoon in Washington D.C., going 7 innings, allowing 1 run, and striking out 9. That was on April 5. On October 21, there was Halladay doing it again, this time in the NLCS, extending the Phils season just a little bit longer.

From start to finish, Doc was a sure bet. Not much else was for the Phillies this season.

They struggled through injuries and offensive slumps that had everyone wondering if it was time to call it a season by late July. On July 21, they were seven games behind Atlanta for first place in the NL East. Fans were jumping ship. A Jayson Werth trade seemed very possible. Then a funny thing happened. They won eight straight. Then another funny thing happened. They acquired Little Roy at the deadline. All of the sudden, no one wanted to mess with this team and its trio of aces.

You know the rest. The offense remained inconsistent. H20 carried the team to a fourth straight division title, the best record in baseball and two wins shy of a third consecutive pennant.

It's hard to continue winning. I wrote this in my mid-season rant as some "fans" were mistakenly throwing in the towel. The Phillies, though, have managed to win alot over the last four years. Although they fell short, the 2010 season was a wild ride complete with an amazing mid-season turnaround. I don't know what 2011 holds for the Phillies but alot of fans will be ready to support them through another long season of ups and downs.

The stress-filled playoffs really do take years off of our lives but I'd give anything to have a Game 7 to watch tonight.

If you've ever wondered about the character of the guys on this team, check out Mike Sweeney's post-game comments about his team and Philadelphia. Dude is awesome.

Dongtober

Believe it or not, I haven't seen Brett Favre's penis. Millions of others have, for whatever reason. To compare? I don't know. Insert old man balls hang ridiculously low joke here.

When Deadspin broke the dongtastic story last week, it finally achieved its life-long dream of bringing down the Vikings QB/Wrangler jeans spokesperson. Kudos. Sarcastic clap. What took you so long? Problem is, this story won't ever go away, much like Favre himself, it seems. And now there's mention of his genitals when I turn on the TV, surf the world wide web, hop in a cab, talk to my mom, etc.

Over the last five or so years, we've become increasingly tired of hearing about a QB whose best days are behind him. We get it already. He's tough. He's having fun. He's playing like a kid out there. Well, he also loves throwing interceptions in big games (e.g., last season's NFC Championship loss to New Orleans). But as the news broke and the stories about the Old Gunslinger's junk piled up, I longed for the days when we talked about how much of a choke artist he's been lately. I wanted to reminisce about how disappointing he was in one season with New York in 2008, when he threw 22 interceptions and broke the hearts of J-E-T-S fans. But all anyone wants to discuss now is what he has downstairs. And that brings tears to my eyes. Sad tears.

Thank you, Deadspin, for covering what anyone else could have covered but left it alone so we wouldn't have nightmares about it. More importantly, thank you for reminding us that sexting = bad idea.

Saturday In The Park: My First Philly Union Match

The Philadelphia Union defeated Chivas USA by a score of 3-0 Saturday and this guy was there to see it. Two rows off the field as a matter of fact, thanks to roommate Jrue. It was my first trip to PPL Park in Chester and I left impressed and entertained.

Whenever you witness three goals in a professional soccer match, it's a win, no matter who you're rooting for. Goals were scored by Alejandro Moreno, Sebastien Le Toux and the obligatory single-named Brazilian, Fred. Le Toux is a treat to watch. He's a hard worker who now has 11 goals and 10 assists this season, both team-leading stats.

Getting there: I took the SEPTA Regional Newark/Wilmington Line from 30th Street Station to the Chester Transportation Center. I didn't know whether to feel super safe or in danger thanks to what looked like the National Guard lined up outside of the Center. From there, we hopped on a quick shuttle bus ride to PPL Park. For drivers, parking seemed to be scattered throughout the area. I think people were tailgating in a church parking lot, getting their God on with some beers.

The Park: Perfectly constructed for an MLS team, with an 18,500 capacity. A nice view of the Delaware River from the seats. No break on the concession prices, despite the fact that only 10 percent of Americans actually remember what soccer is during non-World Cup months. The $9 half pound hot dog looked delicious but I didn't spring for it.

The real fun happens at the River End section of PPL park, where the Sons of Ben bring hooliganism to Chester each home game. These guys provide a European feel to the game, chanting and singing in unison just like you would hear during a Manchester United match. I'm sure that section will grow as the team improves over the years.

With a Harrah's Casino just a few blocks from PPL Park, Chester sure is looking out for the little people. Now if they could just get a supermarket.

Looking forward to catching more games at PPL next season. Go soccer.

I can't think of an appropriate title for this one because I'm tired

Fall is right around the corner, which means football is here. Women across the country have to put up with their men constantly shushing them or backhanding them for interrupting game time. Am I the only who does that? I kid. Actually, I left my massively hungover better half home alone on the first NFL Sunday. I went to the bar. She detoxed. Here's to football season and wasting precious hours deciding whether or not to pick up the New Orleans Saints defense in your fantasy league!

Most Americans don't know who Kevin Durant is. Those people are communists. Durant, 22, recently lead Team USA to a gold medal finish at the 2010 FIBA World Championship and no one really seemed to care. Sure, it wasn't the Olympics but when the U.S. wins a championship in anything, you get off your ass and organize a parade in your hometown of Nowhereville, USA. Got it? What makes this so awesome is that Durant was the man (66 points over the last two games) on a team of mostly role players and super young dudes without much experience on the international level. He'll next represent America at the 2012 Olympics. You've got two years to get patriotic. Go.

I saw one movie this summer- Inception. It would have been better if my brain didn't explode trying figure out what the hell happened. I didn't pay $8.50 to think. I was on the fence about seeing The Town until I read the Philadelphia Weekly's review. It confirmed what I already knew: Ben Affleck's career is finished. He should probably spend more time with Jennifer Garner, who everyone forgot about as soon as she got together with that mush, Ben. I found an ad for The Town on the page after the poor review. Warner Bros. would like a refund for that one.

Looking forward to the fall TV season for a few reasons- Modern Family, How I Met Your Mother, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Boardwalk Empire. I will probably watch no more than one episode of each show but I like to pretend I know what I'm talking about when friends, colleagues and strangers discuss TV around me.

Finally, do people actually drink 5 Hour Energy? The dude in the commercials is straight up creepy.

A Chicago Getaway, Summer 2010

I expected to see a few famous people during a recent visit to Chicago. Coach Ditka- didn't even see one of his restaurants. Rob Blogojevich- he's been super busy lately, apparently. Cousin Larry and Balki Bartokomous- not available, I was told. The closest I came to fame was watching Transformers 3 shoot scenes throughout the city. That's also the closest I'll ever come to watching a Transformers movie. Nerds.

Despite the lack of celeb sightings, my better half and I loved our first trips to Chicago. We booked a great deal at the new Hotel Palomar in the River North section of town and never looked back.

Here's what we did.

- Wine Hour at the Palomar, which is free and happens every day, 5-6pm.

- Deep dish pizza at Lou Malnati's, after walking in the wrong direction for about an hour.

- Drinks on the Wit Hotel roof, which provided us a great city view.

- Breakfast at Xoco, by famous Chicago restaurateur Rick Bayless.

- Cubs/Phils at Wrigley Field, complete with pregame beers at Bernie's and a Chicago-style hot dog from the concessions.

- Pre-show Mexican dinner in the Old Town neighborhood.

- Second City show, during which we sat in the front row and I was referred to as "Nacho Guy" by the cast. I probably deserved a credit in the program book.

- Architecture tour on the Chicago River, during which our tour was delayed so Transformers stunt men could parachute out of a helicopter.

- Walks through Millennium and Grant Parks, which included lunch and a free concert.

- The tourist trap formerly known as Sears Tower, now called Willis Tower. Cool to see all the views from the top in every direction but the hour-long wait on a Saturday is rough. Add in crying children everywhere and insanity is sure to set in.

- Dinner at Vivo, an Italian joint in the West Loop neighborhood.

- Nightcap at the Palomar bar.

- Brunch at Yolk, a diner that's worth the wait on a Sunday morning.

- Navy Pier, which we really didn't explore because we were hot/tired.

And that's it. The people were friendly. The architecture was impressive. The green space was surprisingly overflowing. And with a beach on Lake Michigan, I can go back to Chi-town every summer.

Chicago, in pictures.

An open letter to all Phillies fans

Hi there. I'm just as upset as you are. But for Peter's sake, stop jumping off bridges. You look silly. One four-game winning streak and you're frolicking through the forest singing show tunes. One four-game losing streak and you're setting fires to your neighbor's house and car. You do realize this franchise has won three consecutive division titles, two straight pennants, a world fuckin championship, and saved countless puppies and kittens, right?

What the hell did you expect? They're not immune to injuries. They can't hit .300 for six straight months, and it was only a matter of time before the beard turned evil on its master. I realize that forums like radio shows, blogs, and the dinner table exist to complain about things such as this. However, you aren't the general manager (but you surely think you'd do a better job than the current) and Cliff Lee is not the friend you can drunkenly text things that are questionable for one man to say to another. (We all know Ruben does it, though.) Not sure where I was going with that last sentence.

Actually, yes I am.

He's not coming back. He's playing in another country called Texas. Next season, Clifton will pitch for a team called either the Yankees or Red Sox. Be thankful he played it cool during last year's World Series and stop crying you fool. (I miss him soooo much.)

Spare me the Braves-won-14-straight-division-titles talk. It wasn't that hard to accomplish playing against guys named Rico Brogna, Desi Relaford and Mike Lieberthal 18 times a year. Remember those days? I hope I never have to type those names again.

I've tried to get through the season without writing this but it's gone too far. People who call themselves fans are throwing in the towel this season. That's a shame. This is the time when the team needs you behind them, on your feet for all nine innings, pushing little kids out of the way for foul balls, you know what I mean? Good old-fashioned fandom.

The 2010 season is not over for the Phillies. I hope they make another run. But if they don't, what can we, the fans, do? We can keep complaining and sound like a typical Mets fan. Or we can chalk it up as a season filled with some bad luck and sit in silence the entire off-season. The Phillies haven't had too much of it the last few years.

Lastly, I love parentheses.

Reminiscing: Old Cell Phones

First, there were the ones that made us look like Zack Morris. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Then, there were the ones we could flip open to answer, and look super cool while doing it. Sort of. Now, there are "smart" ones that do alot more than make calls.

The evolution of the cell phone over the last decade is a funny thing. We went from big phones that barely fit in our pockets, to smaller, lighter phones, back to larger phones that are magically light.

Make up your mind, people.

During a recent stop at my parent's house, I discovered a few old phones while raiding my bedroom for things to throw out. These bad boys are beauties; Hall of Famers in my book. They are currently being framed and mounted on my wall.

We have here the Nokia 5165, which everyone and their mother had. Coincidentally, my mom was the only person I talked with on this phone. This was my second cell phone, probably from 2001-2002, when I kicked it with AT&T. Those were some dark days, right iPhone users?

Next is a Motorola phone without a model name that I don't want to spend time searching for. There's a blinding blue light beaming from it. This is likely my third phone, which was thrown at a wall when Tampa Bay beat the Eagles in the NFC Championship in 2003.

Last is the Samsung SCH-A650. What a wild name for something so simple. This was my attempt at becoming modern in 2005, when flip phones were in. I think. (I just got rid of a flip phone a few weeks ago.) It was with me when I graduated from college and got hammered after the ceremony.

Aaaaahhh the memories.

Sadly, I recently upgraded to a semi-fancy (by my standards) cellular device that- holy cow!- slides open to reveal- oh my goodness!- a full keypad with every letter in the alphabet!

It looks like I'm moving up in the world, unfortunately. Maybe I'll even own a real smarty pants phone by 2014.

RIP Nokia 5165. You are gone but never forgotten.

I had a dream last night that the Eagles actually traded Donovan McNabb to the Redskins!

I really didn't want to write about an NFL trade on Opening Day. But the Philadelphia Eagles forced me to. They forced all of us to pay attention to them at 9:30 p.m. on a Sunday. Leave it to the Eagles to pull this. So here I am, a few hours before the first pitch, gathering my thoughts about this Donovan F. McNabb trade. In my perfect world, Andy would have received the Jose Canseco press conference treatment. Because we all knew he wasn't going to tell us anything we didn't already know. He's not much of a talker. A heavy breather, yes. But he wasn't revealing any secrets. On to my time-wasting analysis, followed by some memories of 5.

It had to happen. It should have happened last year, when they maybe could have gotten more for him. I'm in no way a McNabb hater. I'm more of a middle-of-the-road realist. I supported him over TO. I supported him over AJ Feeley, Jeff Garcia and other ridiculous fan-suggested replacements. But when you're offered a 2nd-round draft pick for a 33-year-old QB whose best days are behind him, you take it. After all, how often has a QB not named Dan Marino or Jim Kelly been on the same team for 10 years without winning a Super Bowl? It just doesn't happen. Don is a good QB, but not an elite one. This trade had to happen.

Oh right, there's that why would you trade him to a division opponent question. Reality check for all Eagles fans waiting their turn to yell and scream on WIP: the Eagles weren't winning anything of relevance next season with or without Don throwing TD's or passes in to the dirt, depending on your view. This trade should be judged in the long-term, not whether or not they lose to the Redskins twice next season. They've achieved everything they could have achieved with Don under center.

I won't attempt to predict Kevin Kolb's future as a starting QB. He sort of resembles what I look like in shoulder pads, which isn't a good thing. I mean I'm handsome and all but I'm a little on the skinny side. But I digress. The Birds invested a high draft pick on Kolb in 2007, and they couldn't make him wait any longer. So that's that.

This is the end of an era for me and many others, and for the Eagles, of course. Don took over as the primary signal caller in 2000, and the Birds instantly became relevant. I was at the Vet for his first playoff game (and win) against Tampa Bay, December 31, 2000. I was there on a Monday night in 2002 when he ran for 100 yards against the Giants. I was there that same season when he broke his leg in the 1st quarter against Arizona, and still threw 4 TD's in a blowout win. But even with all the good, many fans couldn't get over the bad: devastating playoff loses and major injuries that limited Don's running ability.

In a way, Don was his own worst enemy. He took the franchise to new heights. And fans expected a championship. They never got one. That's how most will remember the legend- Donovan F. McNabbulous.

Final note: why does Andy always have to say "National Football League," rather than N-F-L during his pressers? I'm convinced it's because he thinks it takes longer to say, allowing him to talk just a bit less about important things. I'm on to you Andy. The whole world is on to you.

The Winter: A Mid-Season Recap

It has not been kind to those of us in the Northeast. Record snowfalls in Philadelphia and Washington D.C. have resulted in the creation of phrases like SNOWMAGEDDON! and SN-OMG! (all caps and exclamation points for dramatic effect and to annoy you.) With mass hysteria ensuing on the streets and in super markets, I can't help but pat myself on the back for making my way to sweet Playa del Carmen in the midst of it all.

Okay. So I was back in time for the latest rounds of Old Man Winter's fury. But after five straight days of Caribbean sun, it didn't matter.

And since they won't melt 'til maybe April, we all might as well enjoy the little things that snow and ice allow us, like:

1. showing up to work late or not at all. The best part about this little perk is that I walk to work. Oh well, falling ice is dangerous. I'll "work" from home.

2. wearing casual clothes to the office. I'm not messing up my $20 slacks from Macy's in the name of full-time employment and medical benefits.

3. binge drinking. I put together a nice snow week, hitting up classics like P.O.P.E, Callahans, Grace Tavern, Drinkers, and Pub & Kitchen. Of course, I was gone well before last call each night, but still, I made the effort. Shoveling that 5 feet of sidewalk in front of my house is tiring.

Remember those little guys the next time Mr. Bowtie is forecasting SNOWPOCALYPSE. And if that doesn't work, this is just around the corner.

Oh and can I borrow your shovel?

Storming the Court: Ivy League Style

Penn students stormed the Palestra floor last night after the struggling men's basketball team defeated, uhh, Cornell. That's right. It's gotten so bad for the Quakers that it's acceptable to run onto the court for a win over a fellow Ivy League opponent. But is it really acceptable?

To be fair, Cornell entered last night's game with a 20-3 record and ranked 22nd in the nation. They're a good team that took powerhouse Kansas to the wire earlier this season, losing 71-66.

Penn, conversely, is headed toward its third straight losing season. The usual Ivy League front-runner has just four wins this season after yesterday's upset victory. For a program that's won 10 league titles since 1993, I found it odd that fans would give that kind of court-rushing respect to friggin Cornell. There must be some guidelines to follow that college b-ball fans should refer to before they step on the court to hug eachother and make asses out of themselves to get on TV. And, with that, we have a list. (I'm sure Bill Simmons has done this before but I don't have the energy to look for it.)

In order to rush the court, you must be a fan of a team that:

1. won some type of monumental game like a conference championship. However, this is tricky since most major conference tournament games and all NCAA tournament games take place at neutral courts. These games are usually played in bigger arenas with better security to stop fans from rushing. I think. But really I have no idea.

2. upset an established national powerhouse like Kansas. There's a gray area with this, though. The third rule explains.

3. upset an established national powerhouse but isn't also itself a national powerhouse. Confused? Me too after writing that. But what it means is North Carolina fans cannot rush the court after a win over Duke. UNC is too good(except this season they are absolutely awful) and its fans should act like they've been there before. "Oh we just beat top-ranked Duke. No big deal. We'll jump up and down wildly at our seats." However, there is one exception to this rule. Below.

4. hit a game-winning buzzer-beater to beat a major rival or nationally-ranked team. These moments are awesome and it's hard not to rip off your clothes in excitement when your team is on the winning end. I went to Rowan, though, so I wouldn't know. Go Profs.

5. won a game like the ones mentioned above, but only at home, not on the road. I don't know if a group of fans has ever rushed an opponent's home court and lived to tell about it. That would take balls. Brass balls. And I would love it.


I will say, though, it was nice to see the semi-crowded Palestra look and sound like its old self last night. The fans were loud. The game was great. And most importantly, Penn was the better team on the court.

That said, I'd put $1,000 on Columbia tonight.

Photo courtesy of my better half's iPhone.